Because I am

My silence is not acceptance, it is a rebellion.
My rebellion against you.

I don't like to waste my time, effort, or breath for the most part, so I will keep to myself as I sit there smiling inside at your flawed arguments.
What you mistake for awe, and admiration, is really just my intentional lack of expression that I offer you as my argument against your ignorance, and hypocrisy.You want a perfect world in your ideal: a non-original reach towards your unimaginative & dull dream.

I am an empath.
I consider it a gift, and a flaw.

I am a realistic idealist.
I believe that dreams are important in life.
Without dreams, life would be a stagnant memory, an endless déjà vu.
I believe in accomplishing my dreams one way or another.
And I will.

The blue angel

Bakhuda tum hi ho,
har jagah tum hi ho
Haan main dekhun jahan jab
Us jagah tum hi ho,
tum hi ho..
Tum hi ho mujh mein haan,
tum hi ho
Tum hi ho

Never have I been struck by any song the way this one did. Despite having any emotional attachment to this song, something clicked.

It didn't happen when I saw the movie or heard it on radio or on any of those hit-songs-lists shows.

But, when He sang, I was mesmerized.

It was one friends+coffee evening at Cafe Coffee Day,Lounge;Hauz Khas.

The evening was beautiful except the fact that I had my final exam the next day. We sat there cribbing about the temporary shut smoking zone. Sipping the Cold Chocolate and digging into the cheese grilled sandwich I was listening to Ell as she talked about random things hitting her life which was now minus any boyfriends while the live band performed singing Backstreet boys & Westlife as the love stuck couples found meaning in there music.

The conversation had taken a rather interesting turn as Ell started giving her priceless advice about life.

And then, it happened.

A voice that went straight within and stirred me inside. It reflected truthfulness. Purity. Affection. Love.

It forced me to turn. Attracting like a magnet.

I looked at Him.

He stood there bathed in dim neon blue light. The sparkling white shirt reflected a blue aura around.

Shut eyelids. Relaxed lips. Strained vocal chords. Panting breaths. Yet a face so calm.

The tap of His feet got me off my train of thoughts.

And then he began.

Caught me in his spiral voice. Round and round I went. Suddenly the walls merged perfectly into the starry back sky. With one neon blue star calling me.

And I followed.

Into the hazy fog, above the deep oceans, twirling with the winds, flying above the green grass, catching the rain drops, floating amidst the diamond studded black sky.

I followed.

Someone caught my hand mid way. A touch so familiar, felt like my second skin.

And he pulled me towards him.

He pulled me out of the hazy fog and against the winds. The neon blue star started shrinking.

I could feel my second skin getting closer. Like almost on me.

It was You baby.

I saw Your hands tangled with mine.

And as You held me firmly, Your gaze fitted mine.

Were where You baby all this while?

Why did You vanish on that extra mile?

A million questions my mind had, but my lips just quivered. I circled round in your arms and You hugged me tight. Everything went right.

Suddenly you let me go.

The grey in your eyes changed to black. Your outlines faded into the sky. You were there but the sky started falling, increasing the distance between us.

And I smashed my arms into the fog, like swords.

The dark sky caught me and I was lost.

Spiraling downwards. Deprived.

Suddenly the walls sprung back. Not even a hint of the sky. Concrete as they were with all the tables and couches in places.

The neon blue light dissappeared and the voice seemed irritating.

Something cold struck my hands, Oh! my coffee glass.

And as I brought it closer to sip, a strange smell caught me.

What was it? Why was it all over me? Where did it come from?

So familiar, my second skin.

0_O

Sleep-

the interlude between life and death
Sleep-
the longing of a dream...
My meeting with myself
And also, with those long gone...
Sleep-
the mirror of my being
Sleep-
the stranger in disguise...
The gossip of my body-
Heart with the soul, mind with the unknown;
Sleep-
the time I am reborn.

wondering..

Between these days
In many ways
I break myself for you

Between these lies
Inside these eyes
I hide myself from you

Another smile
Fake beyond its belief
Why does it matter

When all I do is
Lie to you.

Colours,

I can paint the rest of my life with.

FACING GREY

Caught in blacks and whites,

Extreme expectations rule life.

Questions arise when caught midway

Ignorance rejected...

Every domain they want you to reach one end,

Paint them black or paint them white

Look around and you'll see all of them in black and white.

They want you to be like them

For them change is a problem

Questioning questions hits them hard

You dare stand out...and...

And get biten to within an inch of life

They can't stand my Grey rhapsody

I see myself no where in this bi polar structure

To roll over this zebra

Crossing ain't easy.

Why should I answer the way they want

Why should Iseek for their accepctance

Why should I name every relationship

Why can't they understand,

Somethings in life are GREY.

LILY BISHNOI

21 MAY 2009